You know, there is really nothing that breaks a bout of writer's block better than a good anecdote about a humorous medical issue. If you check when I post these things, you will probably note that it's around four in the morning, and now be insanely curious as to where this is going. Considering my last... jewel of a post, this one actually has structure!
A little bit. (If you actually had hope about that, then it's a good time for me to crush it right now. You're welcome.)
Now it's history time! For the ultimate experience please read this to Johann Strauss' Blue Danube. Trust me.
When I was little, I had a blood fountain spurting out of my nose in the colder days more than rabbits reproduce. The first one I remember was when I was three, so I admit I was terrified. I woke up at some horrid hour in the morning, and I felt really wet. I put my three year old paws on the collar of my purple Pocahontas night dress, and ran my hands up my face discovering that was wet too. Figuring I was just overheated, I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom to press a cool towel against my face. Upon flipping the light on, I realized I was a bloody mess of a child, and I did the one thing that seemed natural at the time. Scream.
There was blood everywhere. I'm sure there was blood in my hair even.(Referring back to the belief that it was sweat. Silly kid, sweat is for people who exert themselves!)
As the blood still poured from my nose, and I screamed bloody murder (Lame pun. Ignore as you please), my parents came rushing in to discover their child coated in a layer of running blood that soaked through my nightgown, now with the aid of tears. I'm surprised that they didn't faint from the gruesome sight, and I applaud them for being as heroic as they were. I don't really remember much, except that they were on the phone with the hospital for advice or something, and that I had a headache, blood running down my throat, blood soaking through layers and layers of tissues, and blood spattered liberally across the bucket that I was leaning in front of. My little kid heart was broken under the trauma of this experience... Now it is a fond memory, and I hope it brings you the same amount of joy as it does for me.
(Switch to the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky if the Blue Danube ran out )
From that delightful experience my next bloody noses, though just as severe, slowly got less terrifying, and now are even a source of amusement for me now. Of course my technique for dealing with the little buggers has certainly improved, and as a gift to you I will divulge my secrets.
I've heard people say that you should tilt your head back so that you won't have any blood running down your face. This almost makes me giggle; actually tilting your head back. While it does decrease the crime scene, all of that blood flows down your throat, and you will get sick to your stomach from the flow. I know tilting your head forward will in fact let it spill to the floor, but let's be honest: Dying of exsanguination is much prettier than dying of vomiting blood.
But that may just be my opinion.
Anyways, just let it go on the floor. If you get bored you can paint with it I guess.
I deal with these things in a classy and sophisticated way.
The way to truly best the beast is to make games up while you're draining! What I like doing in leaning over a sink, turning the faucet on, and letting the blood drip into the sink, thus creating a wonderful spatter-like effect, and providing entertainment in the attempt to either find the point of the flow of water that makes the spatters even more prominent, or the point that decreases the amount of evidence. (Pro tip: The place that will grant you the wish of not having to clean much up is where the water is flowing smoothly. You'll know it when you see it.)
I have a little plastic cup which I use as another method of rinsing the blood away as it comes. The game is simple: The clearer the sink and water is, the better you're doing. Now as you bleed to death, the flow will be staunched, but there'll be this massive blood clot hanging from your nose. You don't want to walk to school with Flubber rocking to the beat of your footsteps, so you blow your nose. This effectively gets rid of your new friend, but it might start the blood flow again. Just repeat these steps until your nose has been rid of the blood, clots, and possible brain chunks.(That depends on the severity. The scale goes from 1 to Mount Vesuvius.)
(Also, if the Sugar Plum Fairy ran out, switch to Vivaldi's Four Seasons.)
Now it's clean up time! For all my experience, I could teach a class to criminals on how to not get caught. I'm not kidding, but I wouldn't actually teach a live class, for obvious reasons. My favorite tools are a duel sided sponge, and Clorox. Remember that blood is a prankster, and it will try to ruin your life by splattering across places you wouldn't have dreamed it could reach. My advice is to not only scrub down the immediate area, but also hit around a radius of four feet, but this also depends on how severe your bloody nose is. After you've rinsed, bleached, and repeated, just do it again. Remember, there's no such thing as too clean. Another thing you should do is clean everything that you used to clean your hemorrhage of terror. Put the sponge in the dishwasher, and set the cycle to sanitize. I like to also run over everything with a paper towel, and then burn it. (That may not be the safest thing for indoors, so go outside before setting fire to the beautiful tree that helped you rid your house of 99.9% of blood germs.)
So there you have it! My advice on how to deal with your bloody noses. I know they're irritating at first, but you will grow to love and respect them as I do after you have about... five or six massive ones where you almost have to go to the hospital, and then bazillions of medium ones.
Ah, almost forgot! You probably got your bloody nose from the dry air, so moisturize the inside of your nose with Mentholatum.
Good luck, and remember that it's not your fault, it's the weathers'.
Until we meet again~
( Alright, I posted this at five, but I started at four. I stayed up for an hour just to entertain you. I just wanted to let you know how hard I worked.)
No comments:
Post a Comment